why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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