I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
