Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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