she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize