Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I just found puke in my bra..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
