i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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