My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
