I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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