Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
