I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
