i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
