I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
