i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
