i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
