Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
