were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
