Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
