y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize