i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
