The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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