He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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