hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I AM VODKA MAN
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
