One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
