Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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