I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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