I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
