I look better un-naked...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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