My sheets look like a crime scene.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
