Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
