I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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