Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
