is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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