He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
