i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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