I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
