it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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