she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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