That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
