I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
