i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
