I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
