I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
