just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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