i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
17 year olds will be the death of me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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