I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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