I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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