Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
