i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize