I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
