I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
