Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
