dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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