so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
