everyone is single if you try hard enough
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
