Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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