it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
