Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
