Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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