Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize